Choices, Dark and Light and Everywhere In Between

Bohemian Gothic Spread

I’ve been trying to get better at reading Tarot cards lately.  My problem is that I cannot seem to integrate the meanings of numerous symbols, numerology, and color theory. My memorization is poor when I try to do it. This is why I’m not good at tests or math or logic puzzles that ask me if Jane lives on the third floor next to Bob but Bob doesn’t live next to Ken, where does Lily live? So Tarot readings are tough for me. I also struggle with going with my intuition when reading the cards and rely way to often on the book that comes with the deck. I am trying to break out of this habit and see if I can get a reasonable reading on my own, but I’ve yet to find a deck that truly speaks my language. The ones that do are out of print, exorbitantly expensive, or unpublished. Or perhaps, it’s merely a lack of trust in my intuitive process.

I have often thought I am good at making intuitive leaps and act accordingly and in some instances of my life this has been so. But Tarot is different. I think my christian fundamentalist background still wants to work its way into my psyche and undermines my ability to trust myself rather than what’s written by someone else. Words have always held weight and authority for me, so something written down seems sacred and permanent somehow. Yet I am also a firm believer in the sanctity of the individual spirit and soul freedom; our innate right to believe what we want to believe and not what someone tells us to believe. This reliance on perceived “authority” is a hard habit to break.

However, tonight I was struck by these three cards from the Bohemian Gothic Tarot. It’s a beautiful dark deck with rich colors and themes. I thought I would try my hand at “reading” the cards as I see them. I did not ask a question when I shuffled the deck, but concentrated on my life. The cards are Page of Pentacles, The Two of Cups, and The Chariot. This is not the order I dealt them. I rearranged them into a logical sequence. The elements represented are Earth, Water, and the Major Arcana of Choice which reminds me of Air. The colors that strike one first are pink and red and a splash of deep blue. Circles are prominent in the moons in two cards and the church window in the other.  The Page of Pentacles is a card that implies physical innocent youth. The little girl is innocent, yet under authority, as she stands in front of the church window. This is the “moon” for her; the intuitive source. The Two of Cups implies relationships, grown up and fraught with decisions, wooing, marriage, courtship, etc. The  Chariot sees choices to be made.  The “driver” of the Chariot is not driving, also telling me that choices are out of one’s hands sometimes.

What struck me about these cards are the brilliant colors of the Page’s dress (pink implying innocence) and the two colors of the flowers she holds in her arm; deep purple and blue (perhaps implying maturity). She has covered herself and looks unsure. My inner child is like this. I wanted the beauty of pure innocence but that was not to be had in the power structure into which I was born. Later, there are choices about lovers and marriage.  I find it fascinating that the wooing lover on the bench is in a similar position as the figure in the chariot and both wear the color red which implies power and confidence however casually they stand or sit. Both have their arms at rest on a knee or chair and their other hand is at rest. In the Two of Cups the woman’s dress is not so brilliant a color. It is pale pink and washed out. She looks resigned. Perhaps she doesn’t really have a choice of lovers, only an illusion of one.  Her face is illuminated and her wooer’s is not perhaps meaning he has secrets. The Chariot also sees Light and Dark in the illumination of the stone figureheads.  The Page is illuminated completely; perhaps by a camera? It all came together for me in a non-specific but gut-reactive kind of way. I understood the reading! And I did not consult the book. I took the skills learned in literary analysis and applied it. Notice the patterns, the clues, etc. How does it all hang together? And more importantly, what does it say to me?

It’s obvious to me that my inner child is taking a beating in the counseling I’ve received lately. My beautiful innocent inner child has grown up without “protection” yet has always been faced with choices however minimal the choices. Still, yet, there are some things totally out of our control. The trick is to deal with the choices that are made for us and make the best choices we can from the ones that require our attention.  There may seem to be only “two” choices to be had. But this is false. We have many choices, the greatest of which is how we react to all situations.  Do we bend or do we break? All we need do is recognize the patterns of the past and learn not to repeat them if they are detrimental to our growth or embrace them if they are not. Tools like Tarot can help us stop and think about the process before blindly rushing in to make a decision.